Category: Self-improvement

there’s a moon inside every human being

learn to be companions with it

give more of your life to this listening

-Rumi

When you are not listened to it can have a powerfully negative impact on your life. You can feel isolated, invisible, uncared for, the unlistened can be seen (when they are seen) by their low self-esteem, their embodiment of shame, the faltering way they talk, as if waiting for permission or validation. Their spirit may appear low, as if they have given up on life, whereas it is often that they feel life has given up on them.

When somebody listens to us it creates a space within which we can express ourselves, we can feel prized and validated, held in our uniqueness as human beings, we can allow ourselves to be just as we are, whatever that might be. When we are heard in the deepest way, we can meet an authentic part of ourselves previously suppressed.

Deep, mindful listening is more than just hearing, it is more than an activity of the brain or cognitive process, it is opening up our hearts and our embodied sense of self to the other, remaining present without judgement to another’s suffering; it is a whole body sensitivity to the struggles that the other person is experiencing. It is listening with an open, loving heart.

Good listening also demands a certain resourcefulness in the listener; most of the reasons why a person listens with difficulty are because they either feel the need to give advice or just don’t have the inner resources to stand true before another’s pain and suffering, so they shut down and stop listening. So effective listening also takes time and patience to develop a kinder relationship to our own discomfort, too.

Gilbert and Choden, in their book Mindful Compassion talk about the “two psychologies” involved in compassion, that of the first, of noticing and having the resources to be with another person’s suffering, the second the wish to alleviate the suffering. Deep listening, listening with an open, loving and compassionate heart helps alleviate another person’s suffering.

Take my clients Ned and Steve. They had been together for 3 years and were considering getting married, but were stuck. Steve’s I.T. business had really taken off and he was spending more time away from home. Ned felt minimised and kept asking for Steve’s time. Steve was caught up the demands of his business and had effectively shut down his listening skills. I suggested they take some time out and practice some mindful listening.

This was demonstrated and practiced in my consulting room, then I suggested, using Gilbert and Choden’s model, that Steve took a series of pauses to build up his resources around offering listening skills, gently becoming more present to Neds communication. Later that week, Steve had set aside time to deeply listen to Ned; Ned told how he felt both accepted, valued and lovingly help in Steve’s silent listening. Both were calmer and in later sessions expressed greater sense of connectedness. Six months after stopping seeing me they were still practicing mindful listening and I received an email with pictures of their wedding.

Waiting in Line

When you listen you reach

into dark corners and

pull out your wonders.

When you listen your

ideas come in and out

like they are waiting in line.

Your ears don’t always listen.

It can be your brain, your

fingers, your toes.

You can listen anywhere.

Your mind might not want to go.

If you can listen you can find

answers to questions you didn’t know.

If you have listened, truly

listened, you don’t find your

self alone.

-Nick Penna, fifth grade